That One Time ICE Hired Me
Yes, Really: An Article for Slate Magazine
Those of you who watched my August AMA may recall a moment when someone brought up an ICE hiring event occurring later that month in Arlington, Texas:
On August 27th, I got up ass early and flew to Dallas Fort Worth. The lovely reader who tipped me off to the event was kind enough to pick me up at the airport and we had a very nice breakfast before dropping me off at the Arlington eSports Arena, where some nice older women told me I was destroying America as I climbed those cement steps. Inside the hot pink folder clutched under my arm: a printed EventBrite ticket for a 9:00 AM timeslot and a (100% accurate) skills-based resume, which you can see below:
The plan was to go in, score an interview, and get out before anyone did a cursory google search of my extremely unusual name. I would then go home and write about the process, the vibes, and the people. Which I did, in Slate, today.
I also wrote about what happened next—the part where they appear to have hired me.
ICE didn't just extend an offer. They gave a start date without me signing a single piece of paperwork. I almost certainly failed the drug test. They listed my background check as completed three days in the future. People routinely do more research on their Tinder dates than ICE did on this recruit.
Anyway, you can read all about it here if you would like to. When I said last December that I have 2 or 3 projects to finish up in legacy media, this was one of them, and holy shit am I excited that it’s wrapped. One of the weirdest things I've ever written. Want a time to be alive.
Huge thank you to my editor over at Slate, the kind reader who not only alerted me to this event but was willing to shuttle me to and from the airport, and above all the cretinous bog trolls out at ICE who gave me so much more than I was asking for.